I cannot even begin to conceive how it must have felt to buy a ticket to a Sci-Fi blockbuster and having this mess unfold in front of you.

This is THE most batshit insane Space Opera about a girl named Jupiter, who turns out to be the reincarnation of an important Galactic Queen or something. People want her dead and a generic Action hero comes to save her. Here’s my truly unfiltered thoughts:

• There’s a fight scene that lasted so long I fully dissociated and woke up like 5 minutes in to realise it was still going. They could have used some of that time to have Jupiter actually bond with the wolf guy but what do I know.
  • I don’t remember what I actually meant with “Wolf guy” when I wrote this. Wikipedia tells me that this character was “half-canine” so I suppose that explains it.

• Obsessed with Eddie Redmayne’s performance. I’m not sure exactly what he’s trying to do but BOY is he doing it. Eddie’s really giving it his all. I often try to remind myself that as long as you do something with commitment, people won’t think you’re silly. Unfortunately for Eddie, this doesn’t seem to apply to this movie.

• Mila Kunis and the Wolf guy have zero chemistry. They have this almost romance scene where she’s like “i like wrong guys” and he’s like “ur royalty, we mustn’t.” As if they’ve seen some kind of build up to where we can expect them to hook up, which we haven’t seen at all. Of course we KNOW they’re gonna hook up because she’s the protagonist of a Hollywood Blockbuster and he’s a gruff gunslinger, but there’s zero chemistry between them.

• It’s definitely trying to be a whole bunch of stuff at the same time, and therefore succeeding at none of it. It’s trying to be a Dune-esque big scope Sci Fi movie, but Mila Kunis’s down to Earth (ha, ha get it? Cause she actually goes into space?? Nevermind) attitude and the presence of the “normal” human characters make Eddie Redmayne’s Space Royal thing look down right ridiculous. It takes a stab at being a comedy when they try to get Jupiter “registered”, but it’s so unexpected because you can’t really tell when the movie wants you to take it seriously and when you’re supposed to think it’s funny.

• BAFFLED to find out this was written and directed by the Wachowskis!!!!! Girlies WHATT. I guess at least that explains how this movie got made.

• Truly a good movie to watch if you’re ever worried about your own work being good enough. It doesn’t have to be good. Even stuff like this gets millions of dollars thrown at it. Make the thing.

3 stars for being entertaining in its badness.